Whatever You do don't leave me the same...

Today was my first day to officially wear my doula hat. I met this morning with a momma and her sweet 6 week old baby girl Violet. It was the first time in a long while that I have held such a tiny baby. She was so precious and I could see the bond that mother and baby had already made. There wasn't much that this mom needed help with today. Nursing was going well- she was on the recovering end of a bout of Mastitis and things were back to normal-her fridge was stocked and she was rested (as rested as a mom of a 6 week old can be). I showed her some swaddling techniques and she didn't even need the Moby wrap I brought to share with her. She greeted me at the door with Violet in her own! I have to say I left our visit one happy doula. Of course this visit brought up memories of my time with Margaret when she was that little. I can hardly remember parts of that time now. When I have moments of reflection like this I still can not help but feel a little sad. Part of me is still mourning what I feel I missed during this time because of my struggle with post partum anxiety and depression. I hate to say it but I sometimes become a little jealous of moms who are so at peace and able to relax and enjoy their time with a brand new infant. My mind was constantly in hyper-drive trying to predict what Margaret would need next before she even had to let me know she needed it. I never really sat back and enjoyed the moments. And then before I knew it my anxiety and worry turned into a deep depression. I hid it well. I didn't want to believe that I was struggling. I had read all of the books and was doing everything "perfectly" by the standards I had set for myself. Never mind that I wasn't really sleeping and that I cried a LOT for no reason and was sure that Margaret was not getting enough to eat or sleeping the right way or whatever my mind would think of to keep me in a constant state of panic. And then the bottom fell out. The days/weeks that followed were the darkest I have ever experienced. I literally cried out to God "Why are you doing this to me?" I could not see through what I was feeling to the other side. Now in retrospect I can see that God was breaking me to rebuild me into a better mother, a better woman. But at the time all I could feel was darkness. I truly admire people who can be in the middle of a difficult time and say that they know that God has something good in store for them. I could not see that in the midst of everything. Now that I am on the other side of things I honestly would not trade what I went through for an easier experience. Although I do have pangs of sadness over missing the beginning of my love affair with Margaret I know without question that I wouldn't be the mom I am now without going through that dark time. My ppa/ppd helped me find a passion for helping new moms and babies get off to a wonderful start. It made me more confident in myself and taught me to trust my instincts as a mother. It opened my eyes to the fact that my time with Margaret is so precious. It changed my relationships with my family and friends. In the last month I have realized that God used this experience to answer a prayer that I had prayed for so long. I was looking back over my journal and came across something I had written down from a book I was reading at the time. It is something that I prayed over and over again. I begged it more than prayed it. This passage is from the book Having a Mary Spirit. Let me give this disclaimer. Don't say this prayer unless you are truly ready for God to change you-because He will.

love,

a work in progress

"Lord Jesus, I give you my life. I invite you to have your way in me. Take me and break me. Shake me and make me. Fill me and spill me. Change me and rearrange me. But whatever You do, Lord...don't leave me the same. Spirit of wisdom and revelation, I welcome Your work. Open my eyes so I can see...my ears so I can hear...I choose truth over comfort, challenge over complacency. Lord, make me forever Yours. And most of all, make me like you. Amen."